Working My Shit Out

Hello dear friends. I have returned from the abyss of the end of the school year, the glorious days of summer, and the hell bidden beginning of the school year. I have returned, and am back with a new journey. A stereotypical journey. I, my friends, have recently gotten engaged! My amazing fiance asked me to marry him 2 weeks ago! I have been kind of patiently waiting for this step in our relationship. It is here, and we are so happy! After the sob-laughing for 10 minutes when he asked me, telling family and friends, and wandering around on a cloud for two weeks, a small, annoying as hell internal voice popped in my brain. The voice that says, "You are going to be in white, and you do not want to look like a GIANT MOO COW." I promptly told this little voice to shut the fuck up and crawl back into the recesses from which it came, but still trembled a little at this fear of mine. I do not want to be one of those brides that obsesses and freaks out about loosing weight.

So Travis and I did our first 5k this past weekend! It was awesome! The race starts and we are warming up and walking. And we start to jog. I was able to go for a bit, and I had a feeling that I would need to jog for a bit, walk for a bit, just like I do at the gym. And so Travis jogged a head (damn his long legs!) and I was kind of chillin. My asthma was kind of a lame, so I was taking it slow, using my inhaler. Well as I am walking, up comes who else but my wonderful Vi. She is the lovely child who does not allow me to stress eat at work and supports me in my healthy life style. She jogs up to me and starts chatting. So she stayed with me the whole time, and we would set goals to jog a certain distance, then walk a certain distance. When we got to the turn around point, there was a car, and I jokingly said that I was going to lay down in it and get a ride back. She stopped dead and looked at me and said "Ms. McNeilly!! Absolutley not, you will finish this race if it is the

Last week I had a weak moment. I was coming home from work and I realized I needed gas. I rejoiced in this realization because the gas station I go to is right next to Walgreens. I knew that with Easter being over, there would be a big sale on Easter candy, and that there might be a chance to get some Cadbury Mini eggs one last time, and get them on the cheap. Double bonus.  So I decided to go to Walgreens first so I could eat candy while the gas pumped. I went in and looked at the nail polish (another vice and addiction I have...that story is for another day...) and I then meandered over to the Easter isle. No Cadbury Mini Eggs. Damn it. They DID have some big Cadbury chocolate filled eggs though. So I picked one those up, a thing of Swedish Fish Easter Eggs, a bag of Easter Candy Corn, and a Russell Stover Carmel Egg. I usually get Cadbury, but they didn't have any caramel ones left. I also found a solid Dove Chocolate Easter Bunny. Listen to me...I s

So...I am on Spring Break, as mentioned before. So far I have done AWESOME and not eaten anymore mini eggs of shame, or gorged myself on random foodstuffs. As a side note, "foodstuffs" is an actual economic term. WTF is that about?? What a weird little compound word...makes me feel like we are eating grains out of burlap bags...or our of giant cans...or something... Anyways! I really want to try to run outdoor this week...but of course, all the sudden, it is freaking winter again. It is freaking 40 degrees out. Sunny, yes, chilly, yes, certain death for my asthmatic lungs-YES. I am not pleased. Yesterday it was 40 and rainy...at least it is sunny today. But not way in hell can I rapidly breath in all that cold air! The 5k is in 2 and a half weeks. I need to run in the ACTUAL outdoors at some point before this race. Tomorrow is supposed to be 60 degrees, day after that 65. I think that will be fine. Esp because it is going to be sunny. Woot! I am really wanting to cook

This week is my schools spring break. I often have mixed feelings about long breaks. On one hand, I am SO freaking happy to get a break from the stressful part of my job. But then on the other hand, I miss my kids. I got a Rainbow Loom with my little sister this weekend and have made some pretty cool bracelets, and the first thing I thought was "Ooo!!! I can show the kids on Monday!!!!!......oh wait. Never mind." The other issue is that I do NOT want to eat everything in sight. Namely, I don't want to be chillin and then all the sudden (just like I did 5 minutes ago) want to binge on candy. Like Blowpops of Mini Eggs. At least Easter will be over soon. The mini eggs will go away soon...I am fighting that "Just go get one more bag before they go away for a year again..." BLAH. So far today I have made good food choices. Need to keep it up. I also need to be sure that I work out this week. I need to go to the gym today as well. I have been actually using

So the past 24 hours have been torture. It's not what you think. I am not having stupid cravings fueled by psychotic dreams of Cheese recently. I have eaten really well, even gone to the gym and worked out. I didn't gain too much weight after this week of "I get to eat more loosely since the challenge is over and I should reward myself."...honestly though most of the cheating came from the fact that I was STELLAR with food last week, not giving into any cravings or allowing myself an inch.That kind of behavior usually results in my going crazy not long after, eating all the chocolate in sight (see Cadbury Mini Eggs of Shame below...) Anyways... The torturous aspect comes from the fact that my anxiety has reared its ugly head, despite taking my meds on the regular. Last night was a lot of tossing and turning, laying in bed obsessing over work, the stresses that come with it, and other life junk. I haven't obsessed like this on regular meds in...well...ever.

It is that time again people. Easter. Cadbury makes these little mini eggs. They are, without a doubt, the tastiest candy on the FACE OF THE PLANET. They are only out this time of year (thank god...otherwise I would need to be rolled around by hired men with sticks in order to move about for my daily life.) I bought some. I ate them all. I sat in my car smelling of my chocolaty shame. A sweet but depressing scent. Gaze upon the glorious evil. So that happened... But in other news, I won the fitness challenge that my friends and I were doing!! I lost 5.8% of my total body weight! I am 4.2% away from my first short term goal! I am MEGA excited about it! Woot!! I also have finished my 4 personal training appointments. They were AWESOME. My love affair with cardio has left me, but its all good. Shawn says I shouldn't do more than 20 minutes 2-3 times a week anyways. So BOOM. Bring on the weight and strength training! 5 K is in 1 month. I am SO fucked. I am really conce

So I typed out this long post the other day, and it got deleted. I have been feeling antiposty recently. I feel like I haven't had much to say about it, and haven't been feeling witty. But I am hopefully back now. So the fitness challenge ends in 1 week. Next Sunday is the final weight in day. Bri and I are neck and neck for first place. It is down the the wire so I need to kick some ass this week. And I know I can do it. No cookie is worth $250. I rocked it OUT today, as well as on Sunday. but let's be real, I am totally still going to text Bri my weight every week. I shall challenge her and anyone else with monthly things, and prizes shall be favors...or something. There are these yummy sweet swirly things that remind me a cigars at work that are mocking me....what are the called...Pirouette Wafers. As seen here. They are by the coffee. I glare at them every time I walk by. And every time I glare, I am thinking BRING IT ON BRI. Yea. Don't get any funny ideas lady

I just typed a long thing and it got fucking erased. Too angry to post today. Tmorrow. 

I so badly want to go to the gym. But there is ice everywhere. It looks like snow initially, but then upon further inspection you realize it is little pellets of ice and death. So...not sure I want to drive over there. I should stay indoors and be safe....but I want to go unwind. That is at least how it was yesterday. It was SO freaking nice. I am actually kind of worried when I go back it won't be as lovely and I will be sad. It is like a great first date then you realize on the second date the person kissed like fish. I speak from personal experience on that one... I have been good on food today though. We are supposed to have band practice later today, and I usually drink Rum when I sing. We practice in the basement and there isn't any heat. And singing in front of people is much easier when drinking. So working out will offset those calories... But...bikes, ellipticals, and strength training are calling me. I think that might be stronger than death pellets of ice.

So on Thursday I woke up at 4:30 in the morning from a stress dream about parents at work. Thankfully I cannot really remember what it was about anymore. But I woke up and then couldn't stop thinking and worrying about work (thank god teachers get paid so much!...) so I decided I would get up and go to the gym.   As stated in the previous post, there was a spin class at 6am I didn't think I would ever actually be awake for. So this was an opportunity not to be missed.  I had heard good things about spin and decided I would go give it a try. I didn't know much about it, just that it was on bikes, and I like bikes! So I thought how bad could it be?? So I get there, go up the the instructor and tell her I am new. She is a shorter fit as hell chick who reminded me of a little drill instructor. She sets me on a bike right next to us, which was unfortunately at the front of the room. I go get water, and class starts. She turns off the lights, turns up the music, and we all sta

The past two weeks or so I have had a problem with cheese. I think about cheese every time I get hungry. When we go to Chavas, all I want is a GIANT quesadilla with cheese, onions, and peppers. In before and after care at school, there are cheese sticks. I think about them all morning work period. I have even had dreams of cheese. Rivers a cheese surrounded by forests made of cheese sticks. And squirrels and turtles made of those little round laughing cow cheese things... All I want is to freaking eat cheese. I have wanted a cheese quesadilla for two weeks straight, and I might allow myself to have one this coming Tuesday. Bri and I have mused about splitting one. I think this shall have to happen. So last night instead of Chavas Angela and I went over to Bri's to hang out in the hot tub. Angela works out at the Club Fitness in Colinsville everyday and she has been trying to get me to join and work out with her. Today I finally met her over there and signed up for a gym members

So I have lost 6 of the 8 pounds I gained back that fateful weekend in Houston. I am neck and neck in second place, and will be able to slide back into first place within two weeks, because I am BALLER. yea. That's right Bri. Bring it!! (With tons-o-love) We made the pork chops and yummy potato thing tonight. The only problem is I got back from work late and I am MEGA hungry and we still have 12 minutes and 45 seconds left until the potatoes are done. I am worried I am going to try to eat EVERYTHING. So I am drinking some water. And I have a small snack to tide me over. I just need to be sure to eat slowly. I am finally not having to travel for the remainder of the challenge, so that should greatly help. I am starting a work out class only 4 days before the challenge ends, so I am going to need to step up the working out now so it can help me loose more weight. So the only thing left on the list of cooking is the chili and butternut squash lasagna rolls. I need to defrost,  a

So I went to a professional development conference this weekend with my school in Houston, Texas. We stayed in the hotel where the conference was and (obviously) had to eat out the whole time. Needless to say, I gained quite a bit of the weight I lost back. The choices I made could have been better. They were better than they used to be, but still could have been better. I got on the scale today and felt like I wanted to die. 8 pounds. How is that even possible?? In 4 days? I remember when I had lost weight before and went home for a week, pretty much ate whatever I wanted and only gained 4 pounds. I feel like the weight swings much more with this system of weight loss. It was usually pretty damn steady when I used Weight Watchers. Don't get me wrong, I am not going back anytime soon to WW, because I really don't want to spend the money. I think I know where the problem was: desserts. Each day they gave us lunch (which was 2), there was dessert on the table. Only once o

I had a bad Sunday and Tuesday this past week, so I really wanted to be good the rest of the week. Friday I was sadly not good. I could kick myself. Several things happened... Ok so at school I am putting on a abridged production of the musical Annie. It is about 30 minutes long with nice simple choreography and songs. We had auditions on Friday, and those went REALLY well and the actual audition part was fun. The casting part, however, was not fun. Two things happened during this process: 1) A parent brought us in lunch, which were personal pizzas. 2) I was stressed out of my mind because I was going to have to make some hard decisions that I knew would make some of the kids sad, which in turn made me sad. So with these two things together, I proceeded to stress eat almost the whole personal pizza.I don't even remember eating it. I ate while we made the hard decisions. Terrible idea. I ended up having 6 people who didn't get the parts they really wanted. I announced

Sooo I was really good last week! Like really good. I lost 4 pounds (WOOT) and felt really great! I didn't give in to temptations, and we didn't have school so no cute 4 year olds tried to pawn off their yummy treats on me.  This week I have been just ok. Sunday was the Super Bowl. I may or may not have had three one brownie and way too much just a little chicken buffalo dip. That might have happened. Then Tuesday I might have gone out to dinner with Bri…maybe. This week I am just…I am freakin’ over it!! I do not want to have to worry about what I eat and i just want to eat like I used to: with reckless abandon. I would look at ice cream and be like BRING IT THE FUCK ON. I had a dream last night that, I shit you not, I ate 7 pizzas. Pepparoni, pineapple, onions, peppers, mushrooms. And that insane garlic dipping sauce. It. Was. Glorious.  It is just so much easier to eat unhealthy. It's also less expensive! We went to the grocery stor

Been out of the blogging janks for a couple days. I can't decide if they were an ok couple days...or a bad couple days (on the eating front)...which probably means they were bad lol. I am pretty quick to say when they are good. The weekends have killed me since the challenge started. Week days are super easy. You get up, eat a quick breakfast, have a good lunch and dinner, and it is pretty easy to fend off mega cravings when you run around like a crazy person at work. I don't have the time to even recognize a craving I would need to fend off when it comes to food at work. All of my energy is involuntarily spent either on adoring my children or forcing my self to smile. I'd say the split is 75% adoring, 25% forcing a smile and taking deep, inward breathes.Too bad deep breathing doesn't help you burn calories. I went to Dave and Busters on Friday. I had three shots of rum (in mixed drinks, not straight. I am a pansy), a Caesar salad (do not be fooled, this was a Caesa

I am on the 5th snow day of the school year. Snow days are hard. I sit at home all day and try not to eat EVERYTHING in sight. I esp try not to eat cookie dough. I have an addiction to cookie dough. Serious. If it is in the house, I will eat it--all. The normal snow day gig (unless I am on day three in a row) is to make cookies then eat them mercilessly. This shall NOT happen today damn it. Nope. We also play Mexican train...but Travis is at work. So this cannot happen either. Sad.

So I passed the shit out last night after I posted here on the Blog. I rolled around on the bed for a bit, then begged Travis to feed the bunny and rat for me so I didn’t have to get up because I felt SO TERRIBLE. I promised him that this would be the ONLY time I would ever ask him to do it when my illness was due to me being a dumbass. He agreed. I promptly passed out and slept hard until about 10 this morning. I rolled around in bed some more, got up and did the ceremonious “pee before weighing in” on weigh in day. I was 221.5 pounds! I lost 2.5 pounds this week. Woot! So I got up and started back on my tracking and eating things that don’t make me want to die repeatedly. It feels nice to have eaten well today. I don’t feel like poo. I didn’t cook as much last week as I had thought I would. The meals I had posted did not happen on the days I had planned. We have only cooked one full meal to date. I cooked the pork today and we will make the full meal tomorrow. I

I have been MIA for a couple days. And for those couple days, things went really well. I stayed under my calorie goal, and I even worked out (WHOA). Until... I had a VERY bad past 24 hours. Very bad. I had a staff meeting at this Mexican restaurant across the River after work yesterday. I sit down, and think to myself, “I will have a peach daiquiri and no chips. Then get dinner at home.” So I get my drink and we are all talking and having a lovely time. Then I think “Ok, I will have some chips and just another daiquiri.” Then I was good for a bit….until the Karaoke and sitting at the bar happened. Then I had a shot. And a glass of wine. And then 2 rum and diets. Then the really bad part: a Wendy’s chicken sandwich combo meal. Yea. That happened.   And HOLY FUCK did I pay for it in the middle of the night. I haven’t eaten any crap for a almost a whole week. I mean I was eating really nice quality food. Homemade, not much processed shit at all. All the sudden I

There are about 70 wonderful children at my school. They walk into school everyday, go to their classes and do wonderful, productive work. This means there are 70 birthdays. 30 of those are elementary student treats. I am usually good at turning these down. I am so busy with singing with the kids and helping them with their little party, and usually it is a precious 5 minutes where I can have a small break to myself as the kids happily eat their treats. But there are 40 smaller people at my school that are not as easy to turn down. Meaning there are 40 opportunities for some kind of treat to wander shyly into my room during the most stressful part of my day (3 hour work period in the morning). Clutching a basket of treats and accompanied by a proud friend holding napkins, in comes the primary child (3-6yr). Shy around all these big kids and the loud crazy elementary teacher (me), they hold out their prized possession: their birthday treat. This treat is more then a sweet nibble. Th

I forgot to eat breakfast. This is a recent trend which is SO unlike me, because usually I want to eat constantly. This is also bad, because it is not healthy to skip a meal like that. I mean I still get my calories, but it needs to be spread out and balanced. The problem is I am not a morning person in any sense of the word. Travis wakes up and has sunshine beaming out of his ass, and I am a groggy, awkward, disheveled mess. I sleep as long as possible, meaning I am out of bed and out the door in 15 minutes flat (I am a night showerer.) I usually eat breakfast in the car, or I eat and sip a cup of coffee as I chill, waiting for my chick-lets to arrive at school. Recently, I am getting stuff together or talking to coworkers instead of eating and chilling. If I got to school 5 minutes earlier, I would have more time. But then I have to wake up 5 minutes earlier, and that sounds like death. Soooo I haven't gotten to that point yet. Anyways. Counting calories today has been good

So today I officially started a fitness challenge with my friends, and decided I wanted to blog about my experience. I am a Montessori Elementary teacher at a small private school in St Louis. I have the best job EVER. I am in my second year of teaching and I really enjoy it! I am AMI Elementary Trained, and am working on getting my MAE in Character Education at Lindenwood University. I am 28 years old, 5'6" and 224 pounds. I am what is often described as a thick girl. I carry a lot of weight in my thighs, hips, and butt. I remember the first time I was told I actually had a butt, and that it was a good thing. I was in the 9th grade at a school just outside of south east DC.  I was walking down the hallway and my boyfriends best friend yelled after me saying "Girl! You got a home grown ass!!!" Needless to say, I was confused. I have come to love the fact that I am thick. I won't ever be a string bean, and nor do I want to. Being super skinny isn't bad t