Back from the bottom of the candy bowl...
Hello dear friends. I have returned from the abyss of the end of the school year, the glorious days of summer, and the hell bidden beginning of the school year. I have returned, and am back with a new journey.
A stereotypical journey.
I, my friends, have recently gotten engaged! My amazing fiance asked me to marry him 2 weeks ago! I have beenkind of patiently waiting for this step in our relationship. It is here, and we are so happy!
After the sob-laughing for 10 minutes when he asked me, telling family and friends, and wandering around on a cloud for two weeks, a small, annoying as hell internal voice popped in my brain. The voice that says, "You are going to be in white, and you do not want to look like a GIANT MOO COW."
I promptly told this little voice to shut the fuck up and crawl back into the recesses from which it came, but still trembled a little at this fear of mine. I do not want to be one of those brides that obsesses and freaks out about loosing weight. I want to jump back on the band wagon of loosing weight to be healthy, not to look good in some dress. But I must be honest with myself, and say that I will be a bit of both. I want to be healthy, and I will use this upcoming dress wearing day for fuel and motivation to be my push back into healthy eating and loosing weight.
Which, just by the way, went terribly awry in my absence from this blog. Not only have I gained back the weight I had lost, but gained an extra 5 pounds. My life.
So. I am back on it as of yesterday. I made better choices already, choosing not to eat that second mini dinner that I covet, or eat another slice of banana bread. Or buy that candy that was heckling me at the store.
I have been pondering this part of my life, my struggle to stay off my bad habits and my coping mechanisms. I keep thinking to myself: I have to get the hang of this some day right? It has to become second nature eventually.
But as I look at how I treat and think about food, I see that I do not have a simple or basic relationship with it. I am an addict in a way. Just like the ex-smokers that have a craving 20 years after they have quit, or alcoholics who still feel the desire and pull for a drink after 15 year off the sauce.
I think it might be a life long struggle to make healthy choices. I have seen my mother struggle with this her whole adult life.
And I dread that struggle. I don't want this aspect of my life, my battling my insecurities, food choices, and the lack of interest in exercising, to be a stress filled, negative experience. I want to be happier to be healthy than happier to binge of pizza, mac and cheese, and candy.
Now I just have to figure out how to be happy with the healthy life, and no matter what I look like, how to be happy and comfortable with my body.
So here we go again friends.
Here we go.
A stereotypical journey.
I, my friends, have recently gotten engaged! My amazing fiance asked me to marry him 2 weeks ago! I have been
After the sob-laughing for 10 minutes when he asked me, telling family and friends, and wandering around on a cloud for two weeks, a small, annoying as hell internal voice popped in my brain. The voice that says, "You are going to be in white, and you do not want to look like a GIANT MOO COW."
I promptly told this little voice to shut the fuck up and crawl back into the recesses from which it came, but still trembled a little at this fear of mine. I do not want to be one of those brides that obsesses and freaks out about loosing weight. I want to jump back on the band wagon of loosing weight to be healthy, not to look good in some dress. But I must be honest with myself, and say that I will be a bit of both. I want to be healthy, and I will use this upcoming dress wearing day for fuel and motivation to be my push back into healthy eating and loosing weight.
Which, just by the way, went terribly awry in my absence from this blog. Not only have I gained back the weight I had lost, but gained an extra 5 pounds. My life.
So. I am back on it as of yesterday. I made better choices already, choosing not to eat that second mini dinner that I covet, or eat another slice of banana bread. Or buy that candy that was heckling me at the store.
I have been pondering this part of my life, my struggle to stay off my bad habits and my coping mechanisms. I keep thinking to myself: I have to get the hang of this some day right? It has to become second nature eventually.
But as I look at how I treat and think about food, I see that I do not have a simple or basic relationship with it. I am an addict in a way. Just like the ex-smokers that have a craving 20 years after they have quit, or alcoholics who still feel the desire and pull for a drink after 15 year off the sauce.
I think it might be a life long struggle to make healthy choices. I have seen my mother struggle with this her whole adult life.
And I dread that struggle. I don't want this aspect of my life, my battling my insecurities, food choices, and the lack of interest in exercising, to be a stress filled, negative experience. I want to be happier to be healthy than happier to binge of pizza, mac and cheese, and candy.
Now I just have to figure out how to be happy with the healthy life, and no matter what I look like, how to be happy and comfortable with my body.
So here we go again friends.
Here we go.
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